Friday, October 30, 2009

Happy Halloween n' Nat

One of the many themes threaded through my blog is how I wonder about people and their actions. They will readily foist their thoughts about without regard to where they may land.  Let's examine a recent example.

Yes, hard to believe, but I work multiple jobs so that I may live the luxurious life style so many who know me just flat envy. There have been periods, during the last few years, when I've had 4 jobs and volunteer work to juggle. It is no understatement that I am a busy gal.

This morning I dressed in the uniform of my "regular" job intending to wear it to school and then go about my business attending to my other responsibilities. It is unreal to me that people thought I was in some sort of costume rather than ready to nestle into the overstuffed captain's chair on the Enterprise bridge.  What disrespect. What lack of social acuity. Beam me the hell out of here, my friends.  

Today I also informed my students about the new federal law on the books regarding Halloween. It clearly states that all Snickers bars of any size need to be surrendered to their teacher as soon as possible or face a grand jury.  One student proudly informed me that his dad is an attorney and he'd represent him for free.  What is with this generation? Have they no respect for the law? It is frightening where this is leading.

Another cautionary tale of today's world is that we all need to slow down, this author included.  Right now I am only working two jobs and the president of an organization of teachers. There is always the usual punch list of errands to run keeping the velocity of life pulsing. Target for nails, school supplies, shampoo. Off to Staples for more supplies then down to Barnes and Noble for the latest book I can't live without.

Rounding out the shopping, I head to the grocery store and pharmacy. Entering the store, I notice a lone shopping cart, ripe for the taking. Off I go with my list and mission focused. Then it happens. ERK. ERK. ERK. The rear left-hand wheel is in dire need of industrial strength "3 in 1" or a quick squirt of WD-40.
By the time I hit the olive oil aisle, I'm thinking maybe a little of it wouldn't hurt either. ERK.ERK.ERK.  Oh, well. This was a quick stop, so no harm, no foul. I'll just get what I need and this cart will be fine.

After advancing aisle one, I finally engaged in an emergency interior discussion with my board of directors on the topic of returning the cart. The chairman decided NO. Since I wasn't shopping for much, I could endure it.  25 minutes later, it is warmed up and shrieking at a high fever pitch: ERK. ERK. ERK. This cart mocks me as I am being humiliating. Strolling by the coffee display, smiling like an idiot at shoppers as they stare at me as if just killed their dog. ERK. ERK. ERK. Of course, their carts are either brand new or just recently had a tune-up, front-end alignment and all their vital fluids topped off.

The entire time going through the store, I'm living as gracefully as possible with this grocery cart whose scourge is suffered by millions on a daily basis. Next: the pharmacy with its tailored selection of maintenance drugs always does a gal good. This week's batch is finished with an incredibly beautiful bright green transparent high dose gel tab of Vitamin D for the whitest woman I know.

Okay, while I am at the grocery store/pharmacy AND I've finished with the pharmacy, the next destination is the grocery side of the store, right?  Yogurt: Check.  ERK. Coffee creamer: check. ERK. Progresso Italian Wedding Soup: Check. Check. Check. Check. (It was two for one night.) ERK. Lettuce, tomatoes, apples, pears, bananas: Check. Check. Check. Check. Check.  ERK. ERK. ERK. Oh, and a true sign that I am living on the right hand side of the  Lord: Crystal Lite was on sale. ERK. ERK.ERK.

Never will you ever find me in line to do the "Self Checkout" dance routine because I stand in silent protest against all this automation every chance I get.  Didn't the Uni-bomber warn us that we were eroding the dignity and availability of menial work for an entire tier of society with all of our cost saving automation.  Alright, so he also lived in a hut and killed innocent people, I get that; but, those details are line noise next to the employment of unskilled labor who want jobs and to earn an income. As my friend Dora says, "Don't get me started on that."

So, I here I am, checking out with a human cashier, paying for my selections, placing my prescriptions in my purse and pushing my cart to the curb, demonstrating my sense of resilience. ERK. ERK. ERK.   Parking the cart, I realize that, in a rare display of attempting physical fitness, I walked from Barnes and Noble to the grocery store. So I pay the piper and waltz off to my vehicle.

Fast forward. I am walking toward my back door, stopping to kiss my 13 month old boyfriend, Captain Parker and say hi to his darling mummy. Then, it dawns on me that although I am home, my groceries are still in that demonic cart at the grocery store's curb. In a twisted state of fate, I finally have my moment in the sun. ERK. ERK. ERK. As if I don't have enough to do, I get to repeat ride back to the shopping center. Lucky me. ERK.

Back into the car, cruising down the road, I run down the list of purchases, thankful that nothing is all that perishable.  ERK. All will be well.  All will be well, if the groceries are still there. ERK.
Amazingly, it is a happy ending folks. That damn cart was there, having a good giggle.

I've got to tell you folks, it might be time for me to be "beamed up" for a little wee while. ERK.  Too much to do and simply not enough time.  But please know, my friends, life is just too short to have a cart that squeaks or  has a wobbly wheel or any other short coming.  I deserve a new shiny chrome 2010 low mileage cart and will stay put at the store's entrance until it is available.

I bet you are wondering not just about me, but the fate of this shopping cart and others like it.  Well, my little socially conscience vigilante, it is time for you to go home and watch this video:
Before you go, please know there is a link to raise your understanding of the fate of shopping carts. It is listed with the other blogs I keep for your reference. Just click on "NO MORE SHOPPING CART ABUSE" and sit back and prepare to learn. 

See you next week. Please behave. Cough and sneeze into your elbow. Wash AND dry your hands thoroughly...Germs love damp surfaces, including your hands. Say your prayers. And, don't let the bed bugs bite, right Wendy?

Meanwhile, permit me to leave you with a quote to ponder. My daughter Jessica's signature line on her email is quite the statement to consider.

Now be good, and show yourself out.  Okay, go ahead, click the blue link now.


  1. There's something wrong with you. That cart should have been abandoned long time ago.

  2. No kidding! I would have pitched that thing down the first ravine I found! But more astounding to me than you suffering so long with that shopping cart is that you actually have time to read!! You'll have to share your secret with me (as long as it doesn't mean giving up sleep). :-)